How to Get The Police To Your House.
An elderly man, from Georgia, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." The old guy said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to old guy, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
The wise old man said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Since Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).
- ATD: At The Doctor's
- BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
- BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
- CBM: Covered By Medicare
- CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
- DWI: Driving While Incontinent
- FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
- FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
- FYI: Found Your Insulin
- G2GPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
- GHA: Got Heartburn Again
- IMHAO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
- LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
- LOL: Living On Lipitor
- LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
- OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
- ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
- TTYL: Talk To You Louder
- WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
- WTP: Where's The Prunes?
- WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
Listen To Your Doctor
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
The Senility Prayer
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Senior Citizen Exercise Program
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
The Kids Will Be Here
An elderly man in Denver calls his son in Los Angeles and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Atlanta and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls home and screams at her dad, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares...Now what do we tell them for Christmas?
Do Your Very Best
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "
Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me. Your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
Let Me Help You
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that , I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife looks like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn 't matter, let's look for yours."
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Email Kate@seniortechhousecalls to share your Senior Humor!